I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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