i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
