this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
