If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
