I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
