She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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