I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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