I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We are all done wearing pants today
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