Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
