does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
