Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
