you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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