I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
