Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
