I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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