i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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