so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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