Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
