why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In other news, I just burned my penis
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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