she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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