Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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