please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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