I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
