If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
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