Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
