I'm so fucking centered right now
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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