i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
