Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Watching her eat just hurts me
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
