OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
