Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
