No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
