update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
