I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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