this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
