Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
