Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
