Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
