you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
