you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
