i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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