and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize