all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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