as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am one with the molecules
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
