When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
