Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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