So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
