It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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