Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
