idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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