When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
