Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
