Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
