So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
