in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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