so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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