boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
