Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
