I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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