You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
