I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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