i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
