There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
